Phase... Phase? Yes, Phase!

I want to breathe.

I am experiencing limbos of emotions again. Yes, again! But before you guys worry, it isn’t really that worse. I can still manage, focus and maintain the sanity. It’s just that for the past few days, I am getting irritable again.

Emptiness is the most appropriate word, I guess.

Been very busy at work. There are still meetings here and there and before I knew it, the clock has ticked to 7:00 PM already. I should have been home then hooked in front of the TV set. Or probably hanging-out with friends somewhere having dinner. And since that’s already late I would have to immediately prepare myself for a two-hour bus ride from Makati to Laguna. I want to take a nap while traveling but since I have to get-off in Alabang (that would be after an hour or so of traveling), then I better not. There were times when my restless mind and tired body give in, but I always pay the price. Headaches are not easy to bear!

When home, I would have to take my dinner, put on my sleep wear and presto, snore. Five to six hours of sleep and dreaming and then back to reality. Get up from bed, eat breakfast and work again. And the cycle goes on…

I’d say I am not happy with the way my life’s going on right now. It became boring and dull. I may be motivated and inspired at work, but my personal life is yes, very drain. The opportunity to have a work-life balance is still there but you see, it can’t be done so because simply put, I don’t have a life right now! Where has the dinner dates been? What was the last movie that I’ve watched? Can’t give you answers. I know, I know! My New Year’s resolution is to lessen expenditures of these kinds but losing them completely is such an abnormal thing. At least for me!

So have to go contemplating. Where are the irritation and the emptiness coming from? Let’s do a little counting…

Number One, I am fond of texting and I previously have a lot of text pals. Now on average, I only get ten to twenty text messages in a day; sixty to seventy percent of them mostly forwarded text messages from Leo Naluz, Idhylle Manay and Aleine Santos, all subscribers of Globe’s UnliTxt Promo. Those are on top of my dose of one text message from A, asking for the daily supply of share-a-load. Bullshit!

Number Two, I am fond of flirting around in text. No wonder my cellphone bill is always at Php 2,500. But the last flirting I’ve done was already four months ago! And that’s with B. There's still no significant drop on my cellphone bill even if my cellphone has been silent most of the times, but hello! I miss the annoying message alert tone ringing every minute.

Number Three, I love dining out. Now, can’t do so! I go home late. I am already tired to do so (would prefer resting instead). And most of all, I don’t have someone to dine with. Hayyy! Good side – lesser expenses on food!

Number Four, I love watching movies. Be it Filipino or foreign ones. Before I prefer watching alone so I could completely understand each and every scenes and twists. Until I had a movie buddy and I became used of having someone to share my chips with inside the movie house. Recently, this buddy became too busy and yes, could no longer join me. Don't know but I am having a hard time going back to the cinemas alone. Yes, I now settle with my old DVDs and VCDs every weekends and my player is now getting over-used. With Dad not knowing I am the reason why our electric bill is bloating! Hehehe. But yes, less expenses again!

Number Five, I love to travel. The last travel I had was last September 2007. I had Bora then. I had Palawan a month earlier. So basically had two out-of-town trips last year. Been to Tagaytay as well with my two bitch friends, so make it three. Oops, I also went to Baguio with my team members so it’s now four. But I can’t get enough of Baguio I wanted to go back. I actually planned it last December, to do soul-searching again and meet my now US-based friend, Glenn David as he’s there visiting his girlfriend and her family! But sadly, the plan didn’t push through. Wanted to see Panagbenga this February but I doubt if I’d be able to find a place as it’s already too late to book in hotels and transient homes. But most likely to go there by April, my would-be treat for Ejay if he’ll land in his class’ Top Ten Honor Roll. The other day my movie buddy suggested that we both take the time off and have a vacation and so Baguio again popped-up but it looks like the invite is a shaggy dog story. Well, no concrete plans. At least, additional savings! But I really want to breathe fresher air!

Number Six, my planned business is still in a very vague state. Haven’t reserved the place. Haven’t finalized the operating plans. My sister tried to help in planning but we ended up fighting. What else can you expect from two hard-headed brats joining forces to build a business empire? Havoc, definitely!

So these things can really explain all that I am feeling right now ~ for months now, I am no longer experiencing the things I have been used to and is pre-occupied by complicated plans. The previously active lifestyle has been monotonous now and this leads to irritability, I guess. I know this may be an invalid claim and a reason not totally acceptable. But forgive me for blaming the feeling to all these messy little things. I can’t think of any ways to escape the quandary but to impugn it to something else.

And yes, I apologize for going through this I-feel-bad-I’ll-blame-it-to-my-emptiness habit. This may probably mean I am not shaping up from my previous guise but if declaring this would mean total acceptance of my being then so be it. In the end, it's better to have an accepted self than a hypocrite fellow!

BUT and yes this is a big but, I promise to be back on track. The slump I hope is just a phase. Yeah, a phase. A phase worth experiencing. A phase that’s making the ME I am to be!