Calamba Crossing

Yesterday, I had the chance of observing the busy roads of Calamba Crossing ~ the same roads that lead to Los Baños, Batangas, Manila and the Calamba town proper. I can no longer recall when was the last time I stayed in this side of the planet for more than 30 minutes, more so, gaze at its lively atmosphere. I think that was years ago; even if I still frequent the intersection, it’s more of going to a specific place in mind and/or hang-around with friend or friends in any of the establishments around the area.

Not so long ago, I was once a soul who built my simple world in this sphere. You see, I once worked in the most popular Filipino fast-food chain located in the heart of this site. I was then 17 years old and an out-of-school youth. Back then, I was just a young boy who enjoys the little amount of moneys I am earning and is contented in pleasing the kids who are fond of that stingy bee.

This blog entry’s not supposed to be a melancholic accounting of my life’s events when I was still a teener. I actually intend to pay tribute to the place. So before I become more emotional, I have to revert back to the topic line…

Again yesterday, I spent some thirty to forty-five minutes of my time in Crossing. While waiting for a friend, I washed away my thoughts with the noises and the people around. In my right side was a kid beggar sleeping silently amidst the mosquitoes biting him and flies feasting on his yucky wounds. In my front view was an old lady selling her daily broadsheets and tabloids but was looking aghast as it’s already half-the-day and she still has a pile to sell. Of course there are those traffic policemen who are waiting for possible “victims” of traffic violations to save them in paying for their lunches (you know what I mean!). There are those tricycle drivers who keep on shouting for passengers and finally when someone from the nearby wet market approach them they would decline reasoning that the destination was prone to traffic; they would end up losing more for their consumed gasolines versus the pay for the trip (spare the alibi, please!). There are those jeepney drivers who loves loading and unloading their passengers not in the proper zones; and surprisingly when they are caught by the traffic policemen they are brave enough to reason out on their infringement (and even braver to offer the bribes enclosed in their licenses). There are some stable establishments who has seen fair-amount of business weathering and some establishments who are just newly built. And my list of character for the circus entitled Calamba Crossing continues…

Yesterday was a realization, I am now a stranger to the place I have spent my daily routine for more than nine years. I pass this intersection daily back then but now, its culture has evolved to something I wished I have seen before my very eyes. It is not a known world to me anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I still proclaim myself as a “syano” that I was… and I will always be proud as one. Even if I have been more accustomed of living here in the urban city of Makati, I still feel that Calamba is my home, and I still prefer, love and plan of going home daily.

The reality bites that I can easily get lost in the outskirts of Calamba Crossing and more than anything be in danger of the threats this place may pose ~ drug addicts, snatchers, sex workers, etc. But in spite of this I was relieved to stay for a couple of minutes in the place I once built my dreams and aspire as a kid. It may no longer be the same horizon where I started my journey of being the man that I am right now, but the truth remains that it has played a very vital role in my self-discovery.

My dear friend arrived just when I finished contemplating. And as I ride the bus heading to the metropolis, I say my silent Thank You to Calamba, Crossing!

I'm in deep shit... Now What???

Peste ang internet!

Ewan ko ba... internet addict kasi ako gaya ng pagiging text addict ko. Sa opisina, matapos ko masagot lahat ng e-mails ko sa Outlook, diretso agad ako sa pag-oopen ng Friendster Account ko para tingnan kung may mga bagong updates. Bago ko pa man simulan ang mga dapat ko gawin at tapusin, mas inuuna ko na ang pagtingin sa mga bagong pangyayari sa mga nasa list ko. Doon ko nga nakuha ang mga itsinismis ko sa mga kaibigan ko sa opisina tungkol sa "special friendship" ni ano at ano eh!

Kahit madami ang trabaho ko, hindi pwedeng mawala sa sistema ko ang internet... kahit mga 30 minutes lang. At dahil minsan eh nagsawa na ako sa Friendster dahil wala naman bago at yun madalas ko tingnan na profile eh hindi naman nag-update ng profile niya ng may katagalan na ngayon, natuto naman ako mag-Multiply. Matagal na ako hinikayat nina Ryan at Grace na lumipat na lang sa Multiply pero napakatamad ko dati. Recently, inupdate ko yun account ko dun na matagal ko na ginawa. At siyempre, parang Friendster, nagcheck din ako ng mga iba pang accounts.

Hanggang sa may nakita akong account sa Multiply na nagpataas ng kilay ko. Higit pa doon, nagpainit ng ulo ko. At yes, kumukulo ang dugo ko... ewan ko kung sa selos o galit. At dahil madami ako nabasa sa account na yun, napapadalas ko na awayin ang isang taong importante sa akin. Bakit? Eh kasi involved siya doon sa account na yun! Simula pa lang talaga, duda na ako eh. Malakas ang kutob ko! Walang palya yun! Hindi ako nagkamali ng kutob ko dati na pinagkakaisahan ako ng mga dati kong kasama sa dati kong trabaho kaya kumbaga sa baterya, tested na ang hunches ko. At eto na nga, pucha naman! Magdeny ka pa! Kitang-kita na! Sige lang gawin mo akong tanga. Better yet, gawin mo kaming tanga! Akala mo ha! Kakaiba ka talaga!

Ito na lang ang sasabihin ko, matakot ka na lang sa karma. Kung nag-eenjoy ka na makasakit, mag-enjoy ka lang. Kung gustung-gusto mo na utuin ako at malamang eh pinagtatawanan mo na pag nakatalikod na, ayos lang! Dadating din ang panahon ko! At pag iyon ang dumating, ewan ko na lang din!

Basta sa ngayon, masakit! Masakit! Masakit! Naknampucha naman!

God's Greatest Gift for Me this Year. You keep on Breaking My Shell!

Putang ina! Magkano ba sleeping pills? Gusto ko mag-overdose! Wanna be the next Heath Ledger!

Bakit si Regine?

Panatiko ako ni Regine Velasquez... ang adarnang bumihag sa mapang-awit na puso ng mga Asyano.

Unang tumatak ang pangalang Regine Velasquez sa akin noong ako'y nasa sekundarya pa lamang. Ang Pangulo ng aming seksiyon ay isang panatiko noong mga panahong iyon, at mayroon siyang bala ng casette na dala-dala sa araw-araw naming klase. Noon din sa aking pagkakatanda, ang nasabing Pangulo ay kagagaling lamang sa isang pighati ng pag-ibig; at kaniyang ninanamnam ang bawat liriko ng kantang "You Made Me Stronger". Kung hindi iilang beses niya itong inaawit, kapag kami ay nasa pagitan ng pagpapalit-palit ng guro sa iba't ibang asignatura at kapag kami ay nasa pang-tanghaling pahinga.

Ang batid ko lamang noon ay isang magaling na mang-aawit si Regine Velasquez at nagtamo ng titulong "Asia's Songbird" matapos niyang magwagi sa timpalak-awit na ginanap sa Hong Kong. Kumintal din sa aking pag-iisip na siya ang naging dahilan ng hiwalayan ng dating magkasintahang parehong kayumanggi. Ang lalake ay isa ring mang-aawit, ang babae ay isang aktres na mas popular sa kaniyang pagkakakilanlan bilang kapatid ng isa pang aktres. Maliban doon, si Regine Velasquez para sa akin ay isa lamang sa mga anino ng industriya ng pelikula at telebisyon ~ isa lamang artista ng sining.

Hindi naman talaga gaanong sikat si Regine noong mga panahong iyon hindi gaya ni Lea Salonga na lumikha ng malaking ingay sa kaniyang pagganap bilang Kim ng Miss Saigon. Muli, si Regine ay isa lamang sa mga artistang kilala natin. Ang alam lamang ng nakararami, may isang Regine Velasquez na kayang abutin ang pinakamataas na nota ng piyano. Ngayong ako'y nabighani na ni Adarnang Regine, nabatid kong siya pala ay inalok din ng papel na Kim, marahil mas nauna pang alukin kay Lea Salonga. Dangan nga lamang at siya'y napakakonserbatibo (nakakatuwang hindi na ngayon sa klase ng mga damit na kaniyang isinusuot) at natakot sa maseselang eksenang gagawin sa Miss Saigon. Sayang! Marahil kung itinuloy niya ang pagganap na Kim, may isa pang napakagaling na Pilipinong bumandila ng ating watawat sa larangan ng pandaigdigang sining.

Nagsimula ang pagkamangha ko sa talento ni Regine nang siya'y pumasok na sa SOP, isang pang-Linggong palabas sa isang istasyon ng telebisyon, kapalit ng kaniyang kapatid na noong mga panahong iyo'y kailangang magpahinga dahil sa pagbubuntis. Doon ko narinig kung hanggang saan ang kapasidad ng kaniyang tinig. Sa linggo-linggo kong panonood, humihigit ang aking panggigilalas sa tinig ng adarna. Mula noon, isinilang ang isang panatiko sa aking katauhan.

Tumindi ang aking paghanga kay Regine nang siya ang maatasan ng nasabi kong istasyon ng telebisyon na awitin ang milenyong handog ng Pilipinas sa buong mundo, ang awiting "Written in the Sand", sa selebrasyon ng pagsalubong sa bagong milenyo. Sa tuktok ng isang hotel na may artipisyal na bukal, umawit si Regine at binighani ang lahat ng nakapanuod. Sa kaniyang pag-awit ay tumindig ang aking balahibo, hindi dahil sa pakikisali ng Pilipinas sa pandaigdigang selebrasyon, kundi dahil sa galing ng isang Pinoy na mang-aawit na kayang pantayan at higitan ang isang banyaga na sinasamba ng karamihan sa kabila ng kaniyang paos na pag-awit.

Dahil sa awiting iyon, lalo kong minahal at itinangi si Regine Velasquez.

Naalala ko din ang panahong isinaentablado ni Regine ang konsiyertong tumatak bilang pinakamahusay na konsiyerto sa buong Asya sa unang dekada ng milenyo, ang R2K. Oo, tanging sa telebisyon ko natunghayan ang konsiyerto. Gayon pa man, para ko na ring naramdaman ang damdamin ng lahat ng taong pumuno sa Araneta Coliseum. Nakamamangha ang paglipad ni Regine at habang nasa ere ay inaawit ang pinakamatataas na bahagi ng awiting "On the Wings of Love". Siya lamang, sa aking pagkakalam ang nakayang abutin ang napakatataas na tono ng isang kanta habang nasa ere. Alam kong kinopya lamang niya sa isa niyang idolong mang-aawit ang pagkanta habang lumilipad, ngunit hinigitan pa niya ang pagtatanghal ng nasabing mang-aawit.

At muli dahil dito at aking aaminin, itinodo na ni Regine Velasquez ang aking paghanga sa kaniya.

Matapos ng nasabing konsiyerto, lalong sumikat si Regine Velasquez. Nakagawa siya ng ilang pelikula ngunit ang kaniyang pagiging artista ay lalong pinagtibay nang siya ay tanghaling "Box-Office Queen". At lalong higit, matapos ang kaniyang pagganap bilang otistiko sa isang pagtatanghal ng Maalala Mo Kaya, nagwagi siya bilang Pinakamahusay na Aktres. May muli na namang pinatunayan si Regine ~ na siya'y tunay na alagad ng sining, sa lahat nitong aspeto (si Regine ay mahusay ring gumuhit, kung hindi pa ninyo nababatid).

Kaakibat ng kaniyang kasikatan, si Regine ay kinulapol ng napakaraming intriga at kontrobersiya. Nariyang binansagan siyang "Human Smuggler" ng hindi nakapagpresenta ng sapat na dokumento ang isa niyang tauhan ng balakin nilang magtanghal sa Amerika. Dahil dito, si Regine ay hindi pinahintulutang makabisita sa nasabing bansa sa loob ng anim na buwan. Nariyan din ang intrigang hindi nagbabayad si Regine ng tamang buwis sa ating pamahalaan. Ang pinakamatindi, si Regine daw ay isang "Home Wrecker", matapos ang kaniyang pagkaka-ugnay sa dalawa niyang lalaking kasamahan sa kaniyang lingguhang palabas. At sa ngayon nga, kumpirmado na ang relasyon niya sa isang kasamahan matapos ang ilan taon ding paglilihim... sa gitna ng matagal na ding bulung-bulungan na higit pa sa kompositor-mang-aawit ang kanilang relasyon. Ang hindi natin batid ay maaaring bago pa man ang relasyon ni Regine sa nasabing kasamahan, ang asawa mismo ng kaniyang iniibig ay may iba ng minamahal sa sarili nitong bansa. May ganito ding bulung-bulungan ngunit hindi kailanman nakumpirma. Ang tanging pinagpistahan ng mga manunulat ng diyaryo't magasin at ng nakararaming Pilipino, si Regine ay isang mababang uri ng babae at mahilig kumabit sa mga lalaking may-asawa.

Ngayon, sa gitna ng lahat ng ito, bakit patuloy ko pa ding itinatangi si Regine Velasquez? Bakit patuloy pa din akong gumagastos ng malaking halaga sa kaniyang mga plaka (luma man o bago), pelikula at konsiyerto (na hindi ako kuntento na hindi nasa mga unang hanay sa harap mismo ng entablado)?

Marami akong dahilan...

Higit sa talentong kaniyang taglay, si Regine ay isang mabuting anak. Batid ng nakararami ang relasyon mayroon si Regine sa kaniyang amang si Mang Gerry at sa kaniyang inang si Mommy V. Kung hindi iilang beses siyang pinaluha ng mga pangyayaring may kaugnayan sa kaniyang mga magulang ~ pighati, hirap, pagkakasadlak sa kahirapan, pagbangon at pagtatagumpay.

Si Regine ay isang mabuting kapatid. Sa kaniyang murang edad ay kinailangan niyang sumali sa napakaraming timpalak-awitin upang makatulong upang mairaos ang araw-araw na pagkain ng kaniyang mga kapatid. Pinili niyang hindi magtapos ng pag-aaral at sa halip ay humanap ng kabuhayan upang mapag-aral silang lahat. Sa aking pagkakabatid, tanging si Regine ang hindi nakatapos habang lahat niyang kapatid ay pawang mga titulado at may isa pa ngang dentista.

Si Regine ay isang mabuting tao. Sa iilang pagkakataong nabalita, maraming organisasyon ang tinutulungan ni Regine sa pag-agapay sa biktima ng mga sakit, sakuna at kahirapan. Kung ilang beses ko nang napanood ang kaniyang pagluha habang inaawitan ang mga batang maysakit na kanser sa isang palabas ng istasyong kaniyang pinaglilingkuran. At ngayon nga, kaagapay ang isang kumpanyang sikat sa pagbebenta ng mga gatas, ipinakikilala ni Regine ang isang grupo ng mga batang musikero sa pamamagitan ng pagsama nila sa mga konsiyerto at palabas ni Regine. Hindi rin maikakailang ang karamihan ng mga bagong mang-aawit, mapa-lalake man o babae ay kay Regine nagsimula at umidolo. Palagi niyang biro na siya ang nagluwal kay Sarah Geronimo, Rachelle Ann Go, Mark Bautista, Jonalyn Viray, Gerald Santos, Aicelle Santos at Maricris Garcia. Nariyan pa si Kyla, Sheryn Regis at Erik Santos na napakataas ng respetong ibinibigay kay Regine.

Higit sa lahat, si Regine ay mabuting tao. Hindi ko siya kilala ng personal, ngunit alam kong si Regine ay marunong makisama, marunong rumespeto sa kahit sino anuman ang katayuan sa buhay. Hindi iilang kaibigan niya ang nagpapatunay nito sa napakaraming pagkakataong hiningan sila ng sasabihin ukol kay Regine.

Ngayon ay maaaring nakapagbigay na ako ng sapat na dahilan kung bakit nga ba si Regine ang aking hinahangaan at inuluklok sa pinakamataas na pedestal at binibigyan ko ng pinakatangi kong pagsamba. Si Regine ay isang patunay na ang tunay na idolo ay higit sa anu pa man, isang anak, isang kapatid, isang kaibigan at tao pa rin ~ madadapa, magkakamali ngunit babangon upang muling magtagumpay. At patutunayan sa lahat kung bakit siya ay karapat-dapat tawaging IDOLO.

Regine, mabuhay ka!

Salamat sa Kuting

Aminado ako... magulo ang utak ko sa ngayon.

Ilang beses ko na talagang tinangkang gumawa ng obra, ngunit hindi ako makabuo. Mapalad nang kahapon ay nakabuo ako ng isang sanaysay. Eto, sinusubok kong sumulat muli gamit ang wikang taal sa akin, ngunit ang paghabi ng kwento ay isa pa ding malaking hamon. Habang binabasa mo eto, sasabihin ko sa iyong nakalimang subok na ako. At habang ang talatang naisusulat ko ay humahaba, napipilitan akong burahin ito at magsimulang muli. Dahil nga, ang utak ko ay nagririgodon pa rin. Tumatakbo ng wala namang pinatutunguhan, naglalayag ng wala namang nararating.

Kanina habang ako'y naglalakbay papasok sa opisina, nakabuo ako ng isang sanaysay. Sa tagalog ko din siya sinimulan at sa kabutihang palad, ito'y nabigyan ko ng karampatang katapusan. Ang pamagat - TANONG. Ngunit huli na nang malimi kong ang lahat ng salita, parirala, sanaysay at talatang aking nabuo ay pawang nasa isip ko lamang ~ hindi ko naisulat sa aking kuwaderno. Mas mapapadali sana itong ilipat dito sa munti kong sulatin kung ito'y aking naitala. Ngunit muli, huli na. Ang tangi kong magagawa ngayon ay muling mag-isip. At oo, halukaying muli ang lahat ng diwang aking nabuo. Sayang!

Kanina rin matapos kong maghinayang sa aking nabuong sanaysay na sa tingin ko ay hindi na kailanman maisusulat, naisip kong dapat ko siguro munang ipahinga ang utak ko sa lahat ng isipin. Nabasa ko sa isang sulating kagaya nitong akin na ang pinakamainam daw na paraan ay ang maglakbay. Sumakay ng bus o dyipni, busugin ang mata sa lahat ng tanawin, langhapin ang simoy ng hangin at lunurin ang utak sa agos ng lahat ng bagay na nakikita at naaamoy sa iyong paglalakbay. Akin ngang sinubukan at oo, isang magandang gawain. Sa saglit na pagkakataong iyon ay natapos pansumandali ang kapagalan ng aking diwa. At habang ako'y nalalapit sa aking patutunguhan, ang aking isip ay muling nabigyan ng linaw. Handa na muling sumabak sa isang araw ng pakikihamon sa mundong pinili kong tahakin ~ ang mundong batbat ng hirap, kumpetisyon, oportunidad at tagumpay ~ ang Kalsadang Ayala!

Ngunit sa hindi inaasahang pagkakataon, ang saglit na napahingang isip ay muling nabahala. Habang binabagtas ko ang lansangan ng Ayala sakay ng isang dyipni, sa gitna ng napakaabalang kalsada na puno ng mga sasakyan, may napansin akong isang kuting sa gitna mismo ng kalsada. Ang marahil ay iilang araw na munti ay nakikipagpatintero sa mga sasakyan at kung ilang beses muntik nang masagasaan; ang mga tsuper na mismo ang umiiwas sa kaniya. Nakita ko rin nang ang nagmamaneho ng isang taksi ay hindi napansin ang munting kuting at halos ito'y mahagip na ng rumaragasa niyang gulong. Mabuti't ang kuting ay may pandama; siya'y nakailag. At sa huli marahil matapos ang ilang beses na pagtimbang sa kunsensiya, ang kuting ay nagawang pulutin ng isang pulis-trapiko. Hindi ko na nakita kung siya ba'y tuluyang dinampot at iniligtas ng pulis, ngunit sa akin ay tama na iyon. Marahil, sa isang tulad nitong tao'y kakatok ang pinakamainam na gawin ~ ang sagipin ang buhay ng inosenteng kuting.

Natutuwa ako at napapaligaya ng mga hayop ~ isda, ibon, aso, pusa ~ pero wala akong konsepto ng pagkalinga sa mga gaya nila. Nagkaroon na kami ng hindi din iilang hayop na kinasama sa aming tahanan, ngunit hindi ako kailanman naging punong tagapag-alaga nila. Sapat na sa akin ang sila'y pakainin kung ako lamang ang naiwan sa bahay. Tama na ang minsa'y naiisipan ko silang paliguan pag hindi ko na matagalan ang kanilang masangsang na mga amoy. Ngunit ang ideya na ako mismo ang kakalinga, aaruga at aari sa mga nasabing hayop, malayo yun sa aking hinagap. Ngunit kanina, habang nakita ko ang pakikihamon ng kuting na mabuhay sa isang mundong malupit na gaya ng Kalsadang Ayala ~ mundong abala, mundong puno ng pagsubok, mundong hindi kaniya ~ napagtanto ko na ang insidenteng iyon ay isang pangyayari na bumuhay sa makatao kong pagnanais na magkaroon ng alagain, ng kakalingain, ng ituturing kong akin. At sa huli pag ang lahat sa akin ay mawawala na, ito na lamang ang nanaisin kong sa akin ay matira.

At ngayon nga habang tinatapos ko ang sanaysay na ito, muli kong iniisip ang pagsisimula. Magsisimula ako sa paghahanap ng mga bagay na maaari kong simulang angkinin. Magsisimula akong muling mag-isip ng kaaya-ayang bagay na magpapakalma sa magulo kong isipan. Magsisimula akong muling hawiin ang madilim na habong ng aking diwa. Magsisimula akong muling tumanaw sa makulay kong buhay.

Salamat sa kuting. Salamat!

Phase... Phase? Yes, Phase!

I want to breathe.

I am experiencing limbos of emotions again. Yes, again! But before you guys worry, it isn’t really that worse. I can still manage, focus and maintain the sanity. It’s just that for the past few days, I am getting irritable again.

Emptiness is the most appropriate word, I guess.

Been very busy at work. There are still meetings here and there and before I knew it, the clock has ticked to 7:00 PM already. I should have been home then hooked in front of the TV set. Or probably hanging-out with friends somewhere having dinner. And since that’s already late I would have to immediately prepare myself for a two-hour bus ride from Makati to Laguna. I want to take a nap while traveling but since I have to get-off in Alabang (that would be after an hour or so of traveling), then I better not. There were times when my restless mind and tired body give in, but I always pay the price. Headaches are not easy to bear!

When home, I would have to take my dinner, put on my sleep wear and presto, snore. Five to six hours of sleep and dreaming and then back to reality. Get up from bed, eat breakfast and work again. And the cycle goes on…

I’d say I am not happy with the way my life’s going on right now. It became boring and dull. I may be motivated and inspired at work, but my personal life is yes, very drain. The opportunity to have a work-life balance is still there but you see, it can’t be done so because simply put, I don’t have a life right now! Where has the dinner dates been? What was the last movie that I’ve watched? Can’t give you answers. I know, I know! My New Year’s resolution is to lessen expenditures of these kinds but losing them completely is such an abnormal thing. At least for me!

So have to go contemplating. Where are the irritation and the emptiness coming from? Let’s do a little counting…

Number One, I am fond of texting and I previously have a lot of text pals. Now on average, I only get ten to twenty text messages in a day; sixty to seventy percent of them mostly forwarded text messages from Leo Naluz, Idhylle Manay and Aleine Santos, all subscribers of Globe’s UnliTxt Promo. Those are on top of my dose of one text message from A, asking for the daily supply of share-a-load. Bullshit!

Number Two, I am fond of flirting around in text. No wonder my cellphone bill is always at Php 2,500. But the last flirting I’ve done was already four months ago! And that’s with B. There's still no significant drop on my cellphone bill even if my cellphone has been silent most of the times, but hello! I miss the annoying message alert tone ringing every minute.

Number Three, I love dining out. Now, can’t do so! I go home late. I am already tired to do so (would prefer resting instead). And most of all, I don’t have someone to dine with. Hayyy! Good side – lesser expenses on food!

Number Four, I love watching movies. Be it Filipino or foreign ones. Before I prefer watching alone so I could completely understand each and every scenes and twists. Until I had a movie buddy and I became used of having someone to share my chips with inside the movie house. Recently, this buddy became too busy and yes, could no longer join me. Don't know but I am having a hard time going back to the cinemas alone. Yes, I now settle with my old DVDs and VCDs every weekends and my player is now getting over-used. With Dad not knowing I am the reason why our electric bill is bloating! Hehehe. But yes, less expenses again!

Number Five, I love to travel. The last travel I had was last September 2007. I had Bora then. I had Palawan a month earlier. So basically had two out-of-town trips last year. Been to Tagaytay as well with my two bitch friends, so make it three. Oops, I also went to Baguio with my team members so it’s now four. But I can’t get enough of Baguio I wanted to go back. I actually planned it last December, to do soul-searching again and meet my now US-based friend, Glenn David as he’s there visiting his girlfriend and her family! But sadly, the plan didn’t push through. Wanted to see Panagbenga this February but I doubt if I’d be able to find a place as it’s already too late to book in hotels and transient homes. But most likely to go there by April, my would-be treat for Ejay if he’ll land in his class’ Top Ten Honor Roll. The other day my movie buddy suggested that we both take the time off and have a vacation and so Baguio again popped-up but it looks like the invite is a shaggy dog story. Well, no concrete plans. At least, additional savings! But I really want to breathe fresher air!

Number Six, my planned business is still in a very vague state. Haven’t reserved the place. Haven’t finalized the operating plans. My sister tried to help in planning but we ended up fighting. What else can you expect from two hard-headed brats joining forces to build a business empire? Havoc, definitely!

So these things can really explain all that I am feeling right now ~ for months now, I am no longer experiencing the things I have been used to and is pre-occupied by complicated plans. The previously active lifestyle has been monotonous now and this leads to irritability, I guess. I know this may be an invalid claim and a reason not totally acceptable. But forgive me for blaming the feeling to all these messy little things. I can’t think of any ways to escape the quandary but to impugn it to something else.

And yes, I apologize for going through this I-feel-bad-I’ll-blame-it-to-my-emptiness habit. This may probably mean I am not shaping up from my previous guise but if declaring this would mean total acceptance of my being then so be it. In the end, it's better to have an accepted self than a hypocrite fellow!

BUT and yes this is a big but, I promise to be back on track. The slump I hope is just a phase. Yeah, a phase. A phase worth experiencing. A phase that’s making the ME I am to be!

On Failures and My Plans for 2008

I promise… this one will be better than the previous entry… and yes, more serious and with sense.

False: I am now experiencing the writer’s block.

Truth: I can’t think of anything to write. A lot of thoughts are flowing in my mind right now but all are vague.

It has been really difficult to put all my brain waves in a piece of paper recently. Distractions like loads of work easily come in. I am focused and driven to start a piece but in the end, I only have a piece of blank document in my PC’s monitor.

I don’t want to admit that the depression I experienced before is back and it affects my writing capability, but it’s becoming too obvious. Some people around me and recent events in my life are dejection-triggers; they cause me to slump and be out of track.

But still not enough to stop the flame inside me… writing is my passion… and is becoming my life.

I must now try and so here it goes…

On failures

I have said, there are things in life you wouldn’t expect to complicate simplicities. Even if you don’t want that person or event to ruin your journey, they and it would still make their way and cause you to stumble. The only thing that matters here is the fact that for each time you fall, there are lessons to be learned and be charged to experience.

Failure is not a measure of one’s worth but of one’s capability to improve. My philosophy in life came from a book I read which has this line in its preface, “There is no such thing as failure, only temporary defeat. Just like success could be a fleeting thing, or worst, imagined.” We all experience failure ~ some once in our lives, some most of the times while some would say their life is a total failure.

Valid premises indeed. But I must say the last statement is the most coward claim.

I know of someone who has been in the state of giving up for all the failures that he’s experiencing. He did not qualify for a promotion, school (he went back to get another degree) is exhausting and family problems are taxing.

He is already on the verge of giving up; he does not see any hopes anymore. To end all miseries he poked a gun in his forehead and wanted to kill himself. Just when he has cried a river and ready to pull the trigger, a realization came unto him.

He realized: when he dies, his company could easily find his replacement and continue operating. When he dies he would die not fulfilling his childhood dream of becoming an Engineer. If he dies, his Mom and Dad would probably die of headache brought about by his delinquent and insensitive siblings.

But the best realizations are: When he dies, he won’t be pleasing to look at in his coffin. And by the other, if it's not yet his time and he was saved and hospitalized, how would he pay the hospital bills if he is to recuperate. Immediately, he put the gun down.

You see, life in itself is a profit-generating business and the ways we spend it are our investments. To say that your life is a total failure means you’re not a good investor, as this kind of business has no chances of losing. Did I make a good point? Simply put, to invest is to take the risk. But even if it’s a risky take and you lost there’s still a corresponding profit. The fact that you tried and learned something out of the situation is already a completed process of investing-winning and/or losing. Not all profits are in material and in physical forms, right? We all know that sometimes what’s more important are not the things we own, hold and see, but the things that we have in our minds and in our hearts.

Okay, I am now becoming too philosophical. And yes, I am not a success story. But I can proudly aver, I am not a failure. Yes, I felt I am but that was then. As I grow up and mature and see different perspectives, I realized that I am the person that I am now because I was made this way by my experiences and the daily lessons that I’ve learned. My views, beliefs and conduct may not be acceptable to everyone, but this is the unique me. I also wouldn’t say that I am perfect, but I am contented with who I am now. Sometimes, I fall short of the expectations I set for myself and of by the people around me, and to that I apologize. What matters now is the fact that I recognize these shortcomings and from there I take another step to improvement. I always say I am a self-made man, and my failures are primary materials of the masterpiece in me.

To sum up, I believe that failure is just an added word in the dictionary. It only has its definition if we do not realize why the word was there. It is there because to fail is a choice, and when I say choice there are other choices definitely (just try to look for these other choices!).

And yes, to fail continuously is the most stupid choice!


My Plans for 2008

I was so excited to start the New Year and yes, I already have plans. Even if I am experiencing some challenges, I am still definite to push them through. First plan is to put up a business. To date, nothing has been well-thought off. That’s okay, it’s just mid-January. I still have more time to finalize everything. I guess the first and most vital thing to do is to organize my thoughts, plan, and brainstorm. Execution isn’t much of a priority right now. I have some of the resources already; I just need a little push to proceed. Where it’s going to come from, I still do not know. But one thing certain, I want this to happen soon.

I also have plans of going back to school, either being a student of a short-course or a part-time instructor. The former because I want to learn new things ~ may be related to my planned business or not at all. The prize of learning is priceless, as they say. The latter because I wanted to share my knowledge of the HR practice and be surrounded by younger learners. I know I would be able to give my would-be students a better perspective of the “real HR setting and situations in the corporate world”; much better than the theories they would read (and memorize!) from Business and Industrial Psychology books. I know this subject is going to be my forte. And yes, it kinda excites me to interact with young minds in the academe as I feel I am now getting old and daily office-home routine is becoming dull. Just want to emphasize though that I am also surrounded by young minds in the office as ours is a young workforce. But I think I need a breather from the woes and whines of these yuppies; they have been my daily meals for the past three years.

Personally, I just want to live life the simplest way possible. I may not be the best son I wanted to be nor would I be a better brother to my siblings. All I wanted now is to be a simple person ~ may not be better or best, a good one is enough. I know I started the year with a fight with my younger brother and to that I am so sorry. All I want now is peace of mind and spirit. That is, if I am home then I am home ~ silent and serene. When I am in the office, I am the employee who’s giving back to the company every single cent that I am paid for. These are my two different worlds ~ my home and the office. The difference lies on the person that I am in both worlds.

I know I am sometimes difficult to handle that I myself is sometimes surprised of what I am capable of saying and doing. I could sometimes be your nicest angel but could also be your worst enemy. Again to the times when these two personas clash and the darker side win, I apologize. I am planning to improve this bad attribute. I hope not to be in conflict with anyone anymore, for I am also tired of carrying the encumbrances inside me. It surely is too heavy to bear!

Bottomline: I just want to be the person who is living up to all the standards of relationships and society ~ productive and contributory, a good man, a better being, the best person that I could be. What I have now are all plans; little expectations but great visions. Fair enough, I guess.


NOW, who says I have writer’s block? I have two entries here…

La Wenta

Yes, this is my nth try to write for the past three days. Cycle was I start to write, someone calls over the phone, entertain the call and then, writer’s block. Hmpf! I’m in deep SHIT, now what?

Or probably because I am not feeling well for the past three days… not outside but inside… Heart broken? Yes. No. Yes. No. Weird!

Truth is I don’t have a love life now. I just feel the pain… no, not pain… but jealousy. For whom? For someone I do not know. For someone I haven’t met. For someone I haven’t seen. For someone who doesn’t seem to care if I exist or not.

Stalker? I was, I am and will always be. But stalking who? No one! Ah, yes! Stalking someone. Who? If I say who then I would no longer be a stalker right? Figure this out!

Gosh Ady… you’re getting weird again! Relax. Breathe. Try to put some alcohol in your stomach! Ooops sorry, not good for my hyper-acidity. Try smoking! Aha, big NO! Not my cup of tea. Drink some water in the pantry area, post your message in the message board. Urinate. Go back to your workstation, unlock your desktop, check your e-mail. See who’s online in AIM (nevah mind, will just hang around my colleagues’ workstations). Be online in YM, nobody interesting to chat with. Post your controversial YM statuses (suicidal, just committed suicide, putang ina ninyong lahat, etc.). Log-off. Lock your PC. Go to the other side of the floor. Have a chat with Bim or Miles. Go back to your workstation, open your friendster account. Sigh. No update.

Update your planner. No more important appointments to take note. Wear your jacket. Undo it. Check your cellphone… no message. Call someone. Aha, nevah mind, the person’s busy. Take a nap. Can’t be. It’s almost 5 PM. Prepare to go home. Oops, the planner shouted, "you have a meeting at 8 PM. Cybergate 2. Room 8.41 and 8.42. BPO Olympics Council Meeting." Hayyy… sit back. Unlock your PC. Stare at the black monitor. Sigh.

Hmmm, getting hungry. Call McDonald’s? Better yet, go downstairs to catch fresh air. Oops, have to save. But fuck! I am hungryyyyy!

Sit back. Hmm, what to do next? Hmp! Stare at the ceiling. Hmm, aircon is in maximum degree, super cold. Lower it down. Warm enough! Unlock my PC. Blinking AIM window. It says “what time tayo alis?” Answered, “6:30”. Got a reply, “OK”

Checked the Microsoft Outlook, one new e-mail. From Iche, Final Interview schedule, not for me but for another TL. Was just copied. Irene Maraño asked, “Sir Ady, pano po malaman ang TIN”. Replied “Sa D200 Masterfile, kay Iche po”. Looking at Reno Magbanua as he claims his HMO card.

Dialing 8-MCDO. One Quarter Pounder Meal, Large Fries, Large Coke. Oops, not even the minimum delivery amount. Ask Paul to order. He don’t want. (Oops, nananaginip ata ako! Hindi ko to ginawa)

(Eto naman mga naforesee ko na gagawin)

Bullshit! Go downstairs, there’s a McDonald’s store just across GT.

Went the other way. Went to underpass. Hmm, where am I going? KFC? Hmm, spaghetti, chicken and mashed potato please. Eat. Burp. Order Venti Praline Mocha Frap. Oops… ran out of cash. Use the credit card. Wait for the frap to be served. Get it from the counter. Go outside the Starbucks Outlet in People Support. Go to the underpass again. Go back to GT. Oops, forgot my paper bag. Use the fucking service elevator. Wait for the SE till forever. What??? Not forever, just 10 minutes. Get in. Talk to the SE operator. “Manong, how much is your daily rate?". Get off the SE. Oops, the door was locked. Dial the office number. Heard Fed’s voice message (the welcome greeting when you dial the office number). Dialled zero. “Manong, paopen ng SE”. Get off. “Sensya na Manong, nakalimutan ko yun paper bag”. "Okay lang, Sir! " Bring the frap inside the floor. “Sir Ady, libre naman ng kape” “Lekat ka eh mahal ang kapeng to noh! Dun ka sa pantry, madami na libre pa!”

Unlock my PC. Shut it down. Prepare to go to the CG2 meeting. Get a cab. Head to Boni Ave. Attend the 2-hour meeting. Bid the meeting attendees goodbye. Went out of CG2. Walked my way to the MRT Station. Passed through the overpass and get to Boni Avenue’s Southbound side. Get a bus heading to Alabang. Have a long bus ride. Get off. Get a bus heading to Calamba. Get off in Mayapa. Ride the tricycle. Special, pay for the whole trip. Get off. Get inside the house. Go straight to my room. Open it. Open the lights, the fan, the TV set. Undress. Wear the bath towel. Brush my teeth. Apply the facial wash. Rinse my face. Get inside the room. Wear my sleepwear. Turn off the light. Turn off the TV set. Text someone Gudnyt. Sleep.

5:00 AM. Alarm. Snooze. 5:10 AM. Alarm. Snooze. 5:20 AM. Get off the bed. Go to the bathroom…

And then start a new day.

My life, my world… a torn yuppie…

Bad read? Who said I am to write nothing but good ones? Who? Who? Whoooooooo??????????

Good day!

2008's Very First Entry

I welcomed 2008 with much enthusiasm. While 2007 may be characterized by personal struggles, I know that the Year of the Rat has a lot of promise. With high hopes and with strong determination, I know I will succeed this year.

This is not going to be a recount of all the storms I weathered for 2007. I really want to leave them behind. All I want now are positive energies to help me realize my dreams and plans for this year. All fortune-telling sites have nothing but positive vibes for those who were born under the sign of Monkey and I want to take advantage of it. It’s high time that I become a visionary; a perfect time for me to take that giant leap!

I know I’ve lost my self-esteem and had been torn, but I am now picking up the pieces. It isn’t really hard, I now realized. All I needed to do is to go back to who I was two or three years ago ~ a bubbly soul, a dreamer and a believer. Yes, the process isn’t done yet; I am still to be polished. But since I take things one step at a time then I need not worry. I will get there eventually.

I also learned that I need to go back to the basics ~ to square one. I splurged so much the past year, now is the time for me to see the long-term perspective of things, the bigger picture, the wider horizon and the better and more mature approach to them. Now is the time for me to leave my lackadaisical attitude and be as responsible as I needed to be. Another challenge indeed, but I need to be firm on this decision and should carry-on. Majority of the sufferings I had last year was basically because I became too conceited and self-centered ~ too loud, too aggressive, too ambitious. These things must change! And humbly, I now apologize to those I may have hurt; forgive me for losing against my human side.

By another, I have a lot of things to be thankful of. I have a very promising career as I work for one of the world’s most reputable and most respected companies. I am surrounded by great colleagues, wonderful friends and a loyal family ~ I know they will always back me up. With all these I should not feel less, for I have a handful of bounty. As I look back to the year that was, I can’t imagine where my feeling of isolation came from for in all areas and in whatever direction I am headed, I simply and truly belong.

End-point, in spite of all the things I’ve been through, it’s good to be rooted once more. I have soared high but also became too greedy that I failed to see and appreciate life’s simple pleasures. In my pursuit for self-excellence, I have reached the peak but felt empty. And when I have given up and ready to succumb to the fight, I was given a few more reasons to continue battling ~ may no longer be for myself, but for all the reasons of my existence. And yes, this is how I am starting my 2008!